His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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