so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
