Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
