I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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