Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
