I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
