The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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