You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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