How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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