there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want her autograph on my taint
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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