were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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