Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
