found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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