WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
