if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
