I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
