Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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