In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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