I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
