If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is wine microwaveable?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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