My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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