Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
