I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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