i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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