Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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