Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
