3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize