M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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