K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry my hands just texted you
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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