we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
