Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just google imaged poop.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
