I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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