I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
