I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
