How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
