I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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