If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
