May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
