my vag is so smooth its legendary
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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