Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you had me at cake vodka
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
