If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
