Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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