Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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