Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
