i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
