I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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