Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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