what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
