so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
