Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
