2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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