dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
