Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
