Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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