You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
