only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
