My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
